Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize