Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
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