I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
as a side note pls kill me
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