We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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