my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
