There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
