You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize