so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
