Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
