Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
