Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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