I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
