You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
