If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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