the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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