just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
whose parrot is this?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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