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So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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