Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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