yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
