We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize