Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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