I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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