fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
