i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
