Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
