just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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