Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
