dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
