We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
