Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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