i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
