I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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