I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
