he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
