omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize