I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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