he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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