I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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