1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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