Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
