I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
