No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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