I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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