Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
