i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
