I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
True strength comes from lack of pants
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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