Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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