Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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