peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When are your genitals available?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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