remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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