Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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