yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
