At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
