I think I died a long time ago.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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