The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
