Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
