so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
