ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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