Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
