oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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