Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
