Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
