We're facebook friends in real life
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
