Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
