one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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