Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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