I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She told me I should be a condom model.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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